Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
