At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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