OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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