I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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