I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I supernannyed him into submission
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
