The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
