After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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