I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
