Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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