I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
