you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
