I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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