theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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