I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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