I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
