your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize