My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
