we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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