Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
