I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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