Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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