my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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