So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize