I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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