He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He felt like a one man threesome
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
