Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I want her autograph on my taint
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
