I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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