Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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