I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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