You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
