I need to stop coming to work sober
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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