please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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