Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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