This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You were trust falling into bushes
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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