i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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