I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
