Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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