Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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