I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
