Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize