Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
