dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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