Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
