I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
