I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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