That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
You left your phone here
Wait...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
