I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
