do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
