hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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