Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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