He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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