Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
