so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
