this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
