I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
