Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
